patience, sass, & trust
A few weeks ago I sassed the King of Kings and He didn’t smite me–that is grace, y’all. That’s the day I decided to start a blog and the day I decided on the title A Mermaid Redeemed. Why a mermaid? Why redeemed? Well, you can read about that in my testimony. Now, since I’m still here to tell you my story of patience, sass, & trust, let me catch you up.
My girlfriends and I started an Online Bible Study through Proverbs 31 in January and one of my early prayers was a personalization of Psalm 86:11. I prayed ‘teach me patience, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness, give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name”. You wanna talk about a dangerous prayer? I had no idea what I was asking for, but the last several weeks have been a roller coaster of heart transformation for me and today a clear answer to that prayer bubbled up in my heart.
Not long after I prayed that prayer the Lord laid someone on my heart and I spent about three days trying to shake them from my thoughts. On a Wednesday I had a raging headache when the thought was given to me to reach out to them. For a brief few moments the headache subsided. This was not someone I really wanted to reach out to though–and for what I thought was a few minutes that turned into an hour and half I tried to convince the Lord that this person did not need to hear from me, and that hearing from me would not in any way add to their life. Now. Let me say this–this person is a wonderful person that I pray for every single day. A person whose happiness I pray for. A person whose God given purpose I pray is realized because I just know it would be a beautiful thing. But I didn’t want to talk to them. In fact I went so far as to type the message and ask the Lord if He could send it if that’s really what He wanted done. Not in a challenging way, just in a, can-I-just-do-the-easy-part-and-you-do-the-part-that-would-require-some-vulnerability-of-me-Lord kind of way. The headache relented a bit with each decrease in my stubbornness, mind you, but I was still being sassy.
I finally broke down and clicked send, got an enthusiastic and nice response (true to the heart of this person) and that was the end of the conversation with said person.
That afternoon on my drive home from work I cried out to the Lord asking why that person? Why, Lord, of all people–but thank you for not making it people who wouldn’t’ve been so nice–would you want me to text that person? And the answer in my spirit was as clear as could be: Because you don’t trust me. You don’t trust me to protect your heart and to heal it when it does get hurt.
If we’re just becoming friends, let me tell you a little something about myself–I’m a crier. It doesn’t matter what emotion it is, let me feel with it any measurable intensity and my body will interpret it as a reason for tears. Happy. Sad. Amused. Inspired. Relieved. Anxious. Empty. Fulfilled. All of it–tears. It used to annoy me, but now I find it pretty cathartic. [I’ve also learned to avoid mascara on my bottom eyelashes unless it’s waterproof.]
So I cried, because this was so true. I didn’t trust the Lord to protect my heart. I didn’t trust the Lord to give me the desires of my heart as far as romance is concerned. Now this person is not someone I’m involved with, but I got the Lord’s message loud and clear. I had promised to go all in when I started this Bible study, but I hadn’t given Him my romantic hopes yet for fear of Him not answering them.
I prayed that day that the Lord would teach me to trust Him, show me how to practice that in everyday life, and He gave me opportunities to trust Him in ways I was already comfortable with or ways I could easily step into, and He blessed me each time I chose to trust Him instead of trying to work it out myself. Sometimes in very first world things, like finding out I had insurance on a phone that was nearly two pieces instead of one. Sometimes in very personal ways, like having opportunities to see the friends He has given me that are God-fearing women with hearts after Him who encourage me to be the same.
It’s only been a couple weeks since then, but I will tell you this, the more I intentionally trust Him, the easier it becomes for that to be my default instead of my last resort. Today, somewhere between the blessings of being able to share His truth with women I absolutely adore and singing very loudly with the sunroof open and radio up I realized that I had prayed for patience, but the Lord ended up teaching me that patiently waiting for His plan to play out is really just trusting in His promises.
The Lord spending 7 weeks to teach me a lesson instead of just giving up on me? That’s grace, y’all.
The take home from all this?
Psalm 37:3-6 “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.” (NIV)
Truths that help me hold onto this promise:
Philipians 4:6 says Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything.
Colossians 3:15 says we’re called to peace–did I mention I’ve never felt such overwhelming peace before? This is good stuff, friend. You’re gonna want to get in on it.
“We cannot know Him as Jehovah Jireh, our Provider, if we are not in need.” -Renee Swope, Proverbs 31 Ministries Facebook post from 3/7/16
I pray you find comfort and encouragement from this, friends, and that you turn to the only One who can provide them.